Why it is brilliant that I am not ready for Christmas.

I am sure I am not the only person who does not feel 'ready' for Christmas. Almost everyone seems to feel the pressure of this season to some degree. 

I actually really love the season, I love buying gifts and wrapping them perfectly and uniquely - going that extra mile. I also love writing Christmas cards with a personal message, I LOVE decorations; and long for a house covered in lights. I love baking and crafting; I love spending time with family and socialising at parties, I love having the kids off school and teaching them traditions. I love the extra church services, and possibly my greatest love is the excitement in the air as the world celebrates the birth of our Saviour - whether they know it or not! It is like the ground really sings out His praises.

I adore the nations gathering together to celebrate and how ultimately - it is about him. 

So as I now find myself working full time, and at church no less where this time of year is jam packed, and as a mum of two small children, with an ever growing family and circle of friends, I find myself completely time and energy poor. This breaks my heart! I love this Christmas time and all it holds and I want to dive fully in to the preparations, but i just cannot catch a break! 

With 5 days now until Christmas I haven't written a single card; and have mounds of shopping still to do, forget fancy bows - I haven't even bought the presents. 

I feel this pang of guilt about the outside lights which were not my choice at all and to be honest I can't really be bothered to turn on. 

I am tired and drained and find it hard to fight my body's desire to drift off on the sofa once I have put the children to bed. 

I have had to relinquish control.

And - well - suddenly it hit me today that maybe this is a good thing. 

I have had to sacrifice things, and I am certainly not in the control. Is this not how God calls me and teaches me? 

Yes ok, being out of control is not always a God sent place, but as I try to live my life in submission to the father's will, this is actually something I have specifically prayed for. 

If being humble means 'not about me', then I think this is counts as a humble Christmas. 

Now to make sure that it is about God instead of me, I need to put him first. And in my life, that looks like getting up again every day when I feel tired and dealing with the tasks each day brings while asking God to continually re centre my vision and keep it all about Him. 

It means that I keep going and keep the faith, even when life does not look like I planned or hoped. Because actually God's plans and dreams are better than mine, and no I have not 'arrived': I am on a journey and I am SO grateful for that. I have a long way to go, and for that I am also grateful. 

I have a gentle and loving good father who is teaching me and guiding me and leading me to a new place, and one day I will look back upon this season and understand what I was learning. For God wastes nothing. And here I stand (maybe sitting today) fully in his grip. 

There is still so much joy to be found in this chaotic season, unexpected and less glamorous than we (I) dreamed: surely this is a Christmas message? 

Like our beautiful saviour, he came not as expected, but as so so much more. A divine gift and act of love. 

So here is to a humble Christmas, it is not about me or what I planned, but instead trusting God and staying the path, and finding the wonder in all of HIS plans rather than my own.

The Rev. Anna Davis